Today I was shopping at Hobby Lobby...did you know that H.L. is a Christian owned company? I LOVE how they play praise and worship songs over their radio in the store. It's so relaxing and calming. Today I had to run in really quick to get more scrapbook paper for a project I'm working on and the above song (Homesick by Mercy Me) was playing over the radio. It was the instrumental version. Not gonna lie that tears just started pouring down my cheeks. This song has come to mean sooo much in my life.
First off I have to be really honest and tell all of you (my small handful of readers that I love) that I have been doing really well. I have been rockin my diet and focus on the Lord and focus on myself. I have been doing so well not dwelling on the past. But there are moments. Moments of complete break downs. Those moments have become fewer and farther between. I can't help but think that we should be welcoming our pink or blue bundle of joy into the world about now. My life should be full of bottles and diapers and sleepless nights. But here I am with arms of empty and hole in my heart that the Lord has been filling.
That's right. I have to keep reminding myself. This heart...it's not mine. It fully, 100% belongs to the Lord. I recently watched the movie (for the first time) Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, do so. Be prepared with kleenex. It's amazing. At one point in the movie the women in (who is dealing with four years of infertility) is bawling and just says to her husband, "I don't know how I can love someone soo much that I've never even met." Boy...that hit me between the eyes. That totally sums up soo many emotions in my life. Not only my personal struggle with infertility but my relationship with my heavenly Father.
We are currently going through the bible study, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan in our life groups. This is the second time I have read the book but the first time to do the study. This past week we talked about our relationship with our heavenly Father and what it's like and also what kind of baggage we are carrying that may be hindering that relationship. I came to the realization that I have a very deep intimate relationship with my Savior because that is something that has been missing from my earthly father. I do not have a close relationship with my dad or my step-dad. Through listening to others in my life group I realize it's because I look sooo heavily upon my heavenly Abba Father, who has ALWAYS been there and NEVER let me down and expect that same relationship here on earth. It's crazy that I can love someone sooooo much that I have never met. And yet it's the best relationship I have ever had. God is soo good and sooo amazing and I have soo much to learn from Him.
He pulls me through the hard times. He holds my heart in the palm of His hands and He is my everything.
This post is really all over the place so I'm not sure why I'm writing it other than just sharing what is going on in my heart. I love you all. I love that you read my randomness. I love that you pray for me and send me encouraging notes.
God is good.
He is faithful
He will never let you go.
I love you Lord!
-Stephanie Rachelle
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